Show of hands, how many of you are the mothers you thought you'd be? You know what I'm talking about: patient, kind, loving, firm but gentle, strict but fair. We all have this vision of how we want to be as moms...and then we have our children and realize how silly we were.
Parenting is HARD. What was socially acceptable for discipline and punishment when we were children (I'm 27), is no longer acceptable. Spanking is frowned upon, time outs don't work for every child, redirection only goes so far. So what can we possibly do to stop bad behavior and encourage positive behavior?
I'll give it to y'all straight, I have tried and failed with this whole discipline thing: spanking, time outs, taking toys/screen time, even canceling trips to the play place, zoo, or other fun things...NOTHING WORKS! I yell way more than I should, and by the end of the day I'm just DONE...And my kids are pretty good kids. Yes, they test boundaries, but they're not BAD kids. I get positive reports from their caregivers at daycare. They'll have challenging days like most kids, but those are sporadic. What am I doing wrong that they're doing right? Why am I a screaming lunatic while the teachers are the baby whisperers?
And then it occurred to me: teachers discipline children without spanking or yelling. A note may be sent home or recess taken away, but that's it. Yes, there is a fair amount of redirection involved in a classroom or daycare, but how do they do it? Why do the kids listen better to the teachers? Four Words: Routine, Expectations, Consistency, and Fairness.
Routine: If you read any parenting book or child development book they will stress how children thrive with routines and schedules. Predictability makes children feel secure. They know what to expect, how it'll get done, and what the outcome should be. Obviously there will be bumps in the road, but maintaining a general routine will usually help.
Expectations: How can you EXPECT a child to behave if they don't know what is expected of them? Set some household rules. Talk about how we are supposed to treat other people, explaining how our actions affect other people. Get your children involved in the household with chores so they do their part. When there are rules in place about how we treat others and how we contribute at home, children have the tools to succeed. With your rules, outline the consequences. If your child doesn't do their chores, they don't earn an allowance. If your child is uncooperative in the morning because they're tired from staying up too late, put them to bed early (they'll lose their free time as their consequence).
Consistency: Do you tell your child that the "next time" he does something he will face the consequences, and then you fail to follow through? We need to treat our warnings as a promise. If you warn your daughter that if she doesn't pick her toys up within the next five minutes or you'll "throw them away" (we both know they're going in a bag and stashed in your closet), and you return three times with the same warning, what message are you sending her? She will learn that she can continue the behavior because you're not following through. Figure out what consequences work best for your child and remain consistent.
Fairness: Every child is different and responds differently to consequences. What works for one child may not work for another. Consequences need to be "fair" between multiple children (do not be strict with one child and lenient with another), but also fair for the undesirable behavior. If your child hits another child, it would be inappropriate to spank your child. How do we teach a child not to hit by hitting them as punishment? Take this time to explain to your child why hitting isn't kind and send him to time out to think about their actions and how they affect others. If your child steals a candy bar from the store, how is a time out effective? Write a letter or have them write a letter apologizing for the behavior. Take their allowance/piggy bank money and pay the store back for the money -- take your child with you so they can verbally apologize in addition to the letter. Make the punishment fair for the behavior.
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